My 1st Love

It might never be as magnificent as slorr and Flyindance, but I wish both of them best, in this virtual world, wherever they are, …here’s to you, slorr.
To 22,
From 99

‘99-1-22—4-34312’




[b]‘I will never leave you, unless if you don’t want me....’[/b]


That was the vow I gave to her. Yes, I know it really sounds like the vow Jack gave to Rose before he sank into the sea, his vow was ‘promise me you’ll live…No matter how hopeless…’
She was 16 when I knew her (I was 18), from a 3 months course after my O levels’ .it was both Calvin and Jason who both encouraged me to join them in the three months course.
‘But I wanna work!’I retorted.
‘Come on, Rong-ge, join us la, got a lot of chio bus to bio there la…’
They have been calling me Rong-ge since I repeat my O levels’ with them, I wasn’t the typical study type, books can really kill, ya know… But (sigh) nevertheless, I joined them, due to a tradition code in our brotherhood, called ‘yi qi.’ (Loyalty)
Finally I got in the three months course, (kindda fun, because you can see lots of different students in different uniforms together) Both Calvin and Jason got into the management class, I went to the higher Chinese, cum Arts class. And there was the 1st time where I saw her. She wasn’t captivating; she’s like just any normal CHIJ girl at first. (In actual fact my eyes were set on another CHIJ girl, from St. Theresa’s…chio...hehe…) She was appointed as the class rep. And the new friend beside me was appointed as the guy class rep. I wasn’t talking very much in class, but knew a couple of friends there, the guys first, then some of the girls. In my secondary school, we weren’t into knowing girls (I wasn’t from a guy school, mind you)
Then, I saw her at the interchange once when I was going back home, I fought within myself, struggling.
‘Should I greet her?’
‘What shall I say?’
‘Hi, I’ve bioing you for sometime, do you like me too?’(Lame)
Personally, I do (still, as in now) feel that it’s morally unethical to knowing girls in streets. That’s because I feel that if it’s plain shallow to know a girl due to her appearance (and not what you see in her. I’m one of those dumbos who believe in character over appearance.) Like what the phantom of the opera sings, ‘Looks, can be deceiving.’
As I see her taking the bus, I said to myself, she is special, in a way. I couldn’t explain, those compassionate eyes… Black raven hair, with a short ponytail attached. She wasn’t the fair sort, but a bit tanned. And she had this cute way of walking.
Coming back, my class had actually organized some outing, and she paged me (she’s the class rep). I was thrilled. But due to the tight schedule I had with my rehearsals, I had to arrange something with her, extending our conversation in the process.
‘You are in Chang and Eng!’ she exclaimed, in the middle of our conversation.
‘Erm, actually…’I couldn’t say no, so I just play along.
‘It’s just some small roles.’ I lied. In fact I WAS, just that I wasn’t selected.
She was thrilled to hear of something so exciting, so we talked till the wee hours that night, almost couldn’t wake up the next morning…
The following night came, I left my pager up on top of the television set. I was pacing, front and back, looking at it every ½ a minute, just hoping for her to page me again.
‘I’m willing to lose ten years of my life, just for her page!’ I told myself.
She did.
I was thrilled.
So we spend the night, chit chatting again. (Thanks to the outing, as a excuse)


‘Amidst the crowd, I hunt for her in a thousand directions, just as I look back, she stands, under the post, in a beam of light.’- Chinese poem

That was the poem I sent to her. Her mandarin wasn’t really good (I was from higher Chinese), thus she didn’t figured out that it was her I liked at this time, till one of her friend had to tell her it was her all along.
It was the Chinese New Year, and I stay at home, all alone, just wanting to call her. She was about to have her dinner at her own place. I hop onto my parents’ bed, and we started to talk.
‘You don’t have to go for your reunion dinner?’ she asked.
‘ I was kindda of having a headache.’ I lied, again.
‘I’m staring at the white ceiling, talking to you.’ I said, out of Bo liaonism.
I joked; she giggled, that’s how I spent that Reunion night, and a couple more nights’ chit chatting over the phone.
Valentine was coming; thus I swallowed a python, and asked her out.
‘Do you want to come out?’ it was my invitation to her.
She hesitated, but in the end agreed.
So we agreed to meet at Hereen, the prominent fountain at 1st level, where I saw one of my friends, Felicia.
‘ Hi there, Rong, on your own?’ she asked, after waving to me.
‘No, meeting a friend.’ I proudly declared.
I sat there, smartly in my best outfit, waiting…
It was 7pm, 7.30, then 8pm,I called her, and she was outside.
‘Sorry I couldn’t come, with my club members.’ she apologized, over the line.
‘It’s ok.’ I said, smiling over the phone.
I grazed through the crowd of orchard that evening, see couples after couples, ladies holding roses. I feel…lost.
Later I took a bus to Toa Payoh and shop for VCDs. (pirated ones)
‘You’ve got mail?’ I picked it up.
Next moment, I was lying in my cozy sofa, watching how shopgirl and ny152 fell in love. She paged.
‘Do you want to come out, tomorrow?’ she asked.
I stoned, still trying to recover from the shock.
We met at the bus stop near our house the next day, and I was late.
‘So, did you collect many hongbaos? I asked.
We went to the ‘River Hongbao Carnival at the Marine Parade, which was jam-packed, I tell you.
She was very amused of my build.
‘Look in the reflection! Wow! I’m only 2/3 of you!’ she exclaimed.
We didn’t do much there, to avoid getting lost in the crowd, she put her hands on my shoulder to squeeze through the incorrigible crowd. Finally made it through, I bought us some Mua chee, and sat by the river. After which we took a bus back, we sat by a closed coffeeshop nearby her house.
She felt terribly cold; thus I have nothing to offer her, except my hands.
She grabbed them, and was trying to fight off the cold.
It’s the first time ever, I’ve hold a girl’s hand.
We shared so much at that night, finally she had to leave (Her mom paged her till siao. I swear her mom was going to call the police, soon.)
I was at fault too, for offering my company (and my hands), sitting at a closed kopi tiam, she freezing like hell.

Next day,
Then I offered to sent her to work (she was working as a shop assistant at The Concourse)
In the bus, we talked a lot again. But this time, she questioned me.
‘Why me?’ she asked.
I couldn’t have the guts to say I love you (coz it’s so mushy (still feels mushy now))
So, I beat around the bush, saying that she’s special, unique, and giving her ample reasons.
We got off the bus, and took the over head bridge. Which after that, I got a-Walla-hell-of-guts, and looking at her left hand, I picked it up gently, like a delicate rose, holding it firmly. She made no response, as her lips gave way, flashing a weak smile. But to me, that smile was the most beautiful answer. And I said.


‘I will never leave you, unless if you don’t want me....’
Out of passion, trust, and most of all, love. That was the vow I gave to her, yes, I know it really sounds like the vow Jack gave to Rose before he sank into the sea, his vow was ‘promise me you’ll live…No matter how hopeless…again.’













She is 24 now, both of us r working adults now. It has been 8 years since the day she left. Deep down, I really wanna say sorry, sorry those things had to turn out this way, sorry for the things I’ve done her wrong. I belong to her past, reminding her of the unhappy times. I’m a coward, afraid of moving on, afraid of change. That why I typed this. By the time you’ve read this, this coward in me has already decided to leave this hurtful world. It’s been her, and Hope, that kept me living. Goodbye.

99,
May you find peace.











‘If I can choose again, I will still want you to be my 1st true love, and my last, in this life time, and our next life time. And ever on.’


‘99-1-22—4-34312’